Recently, a man that I considered a friend and admired a lot was arrested for murder. I knew him because he was a member of our choir. We are all close and have traveled together. This is the last person in my life who I would think was capable of such a crime. (He confessed.) I also knew the elderly victim since she had come along on an overseas trip with us. I think I could cope except that he killed her last November and put her in a chest freezer where she wasn't discovered until a couple of weeks ago. I saw him many times at rehearsals, chatted, hugged, etc. as always and there was no inkling that anything was wrong. I can't put this out of my mind. After the initial couple of days of being in shock, I have been very depressed. I feel confusion and self-doubt, even though virtually everyone who knew him liked him a lot. I just can't reconcile this gregarious, extremely generous, affectionate person doing such a heinous thing. I find myself actually worrying about him being in a dirty jail with no privacy although my mind tells me that is where he should be. He took care of this woman for many years like a son although they weren't kin. She was wealthy and the police cite greed as motive, but I can't make that fit with the person I knew. Scenarios keep going around in my head, but the only one that makes a little sense is that he was a person who couldn't say no, and she used and abused him until he took a crazy way out. He apparently did spend her money (she was a multi-millionairess), but he had several businesses and apparent money of his own, as well as having a lot of access to her money when she was alive. I don't know why this is so painful for me. I try to stay busy to keep it out of my head, but it is just consuming me. I've tried talking about it, even to a psychiatrist. What can I do to resolve all of these conflicting and overwhelming feelings?
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